August 2014

Hi again,

It has been years and here i am again, less demented ( I think) and slightly focus on where I'm going.
We started to reconnect with schoolmates from primary school. Via whatsapp. You could imagine the notifications list on my phone. 100+++. Crazy but it is fun.

I don't consider myself close with them. I've always been a castaway. A lone ranger. 

Reading their messages proved that I'm surrounded by awesome people.Some of them are the high flyers, pilot, engineer, architect and auditor to name a few. I feel like I'm lost in their midst. 

emotional trap - infatuation

Infatuation. According to Dictionary online , it is a noun and these are the meaning:
God has different ways of showing or teaching us anything. I felt that I was backfired for my statement on the ladies who are (according to my brain) quite close to spouse in the name of politics. 

hello 2011

my last entry was on july 2010. im clearly not an avid blogger. thats the truth. nonetheless a few events happened as usual.

Work From Home for Dummies #026

I have always wanted to find more ways to make money since I always overspent it! LOL! Looking at my Facebook walls, every now and then my friends and colleague were tagged to a picture or few pictures of shawls or bags or shoes. This is the new way of promoting and selling goods and IT WORKS!

I test the water of business and marketing by joining a MLM business and somehow ended up with a biggger, much bigger debt. I learned my lesson the hard way. Nevertheless my inner adventurous side always wanted to try something new. A good way on teaching myself on not to give in too quick or it might just be another HUGE mistake for me.    

I am different for trying too hard,

#25 samira is a big girl now!

My daughter, Samira is 4 years old this year. We didnt get to celebrate her birthday since I was in confinement and she was with my mother in Terengganu.
My mother in law came earlier today and she was really excited to met her nenek, atuk and aunties. Samira grew up surrounded by my family members. Moved back to Penang when she was 2 months old and stayed there till she was 2 years old. She was very close with her makmak and my sisters and brothers. We manage to make sure she spend time with my husband family members as well.
Last week, she spent the whole week at Sungai Petani and when we got back and when she saw her nenek, atuk just now, she wanted to follow them back as well.   :-)
I find that she's more independent and brave than me. When I was at her age, my mama and her family were my world. I dont like going to opah's place but I love tok din very much and nyang too.
Today, I know that somehow my daughter is going to have better social life than I do with her family members and it feels really good.

Good night Samira. You're a big girl now and I'm really proud of you!  <3

#24 regrets after losing my sanity

How do I start this ... I'm ashamed with my behaviors most of the time. I always do things as if there's no tomorrow and regret them the minute I cool down.
I love what I have now, my husband, my beautiful and amazing children, my family members, my job, my house and everything that have been bestowed upon me. I just somehow forget that if I love my life now, I should know that God will test me to see whether I'm appreciating what I have and whether I really meant what I say. That's what I think. When I am not mad or angry at myself.
I realized that I'm more concern on comparing my life with others and see what I don't have rather than take care of what I have and give my best in making everything works. I t might not be perfect but at least I tried doing something about it rather than *sigh* why don't I have that or how come it never happens to me bla bla bla.
For what it's worth, I hope I would start doing something about what I blog.

I am what I told myself

I never thought of getting married earlier than my friends, well, some of them. I hate making decisions and I tend to regret most of my decisions. Being married is one of it. I can't do much now, with two kids, crying every now and then thinking why and why did I did this to myself.

to be honest, I deeply felt that it was entirely my fault. I could just say no when he proposed and better no to him when he said he's going to call me at the first place. my wrong timing bitchiness and flirtiness got me into deep trouble.

Guess what after 5 years, 10 months, 1 week and 1 day of marriage, I'm surrounded with debt, personal loans, credit cards, summons, education loan, two kids , tonnes of drama and unhappiness, not to mentioned being chase out of my so-called-home and door being slammed at my face.

So-much for my happy-ending.
If suicide isn't a sin, I would do it but I have my responsibilities to my daughter and my son. I couldn't leave them to him (not a chance!) and can't really expect my family to take care of them either, the have done so much for me.

Now I know why Kak Dolly stays in her marriage. It is not easy.

I'm going to scribble my plan here.
ultimate #1) perform my prayers, fast, pay zakat and educate & live my life and my children Through Islamic lifestyle.
1) credit-card debt free by end of this year.
2) start saving for my daughter and son and myself starting from may 2010
3) terminate my celcom post-paid line
4) sell my stuffs over the net and use the money to pay my debt
5) work smart and spend time with my children ( I might not happy as a wife but I want to be a happy mom and make my children happy)
6) keep myself fit and healthy
7) if the world doesn't end, perform my Hajj in next 10 years or may be 5 years
8) buy a house/ apartment using the govt loan in another 5 years
9) ...