# 009 Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!

I rarely lie except when I overspent my money (monthly allowance). My parents and spouse would be furious and nag if I did that and I can't help it because I'm 50% a shophaholic.

However today, it's not about shopping nor money. I want to talk about trust. To be specific, trust in marriage. I believe in marriage institutions. I always believe that when you get married, even if the whole world turned their back on you, the spouse will and should be the only one who wouldn't let you down and continuously support or guide you.

I think I have overestimated the "real" marriage institution. Everyday, well almost every now and then, I woke up feeling angry, upset and regret being married. The man who said he would be honest, sincere and faithful to me drove and still drives me crazy. He lies, flirts and get away with it by making me look bad (to myself) all the time. He is described as the "perfect" son who being brought up by the perfect family and I dug my own grave.

I put aside his past but his now/ present action keep on reminding me that it was never over. Honestly, it does suck to know that the man who said/ claimed that he love you admits that he fall out off love with you. As much as I ensure him that I'll be fine if he admits that he is not happy with me and want something new or more exciting, I don't think I could accept it.

I just hope he would open up and tell me the truth. Why is it so hard to tell me that he didn't send our baby to the nursery rather than lied to me all day saying that he got a meeting and going out to fetch our baby and even call me so that I could hear our baby's voice. Or said that he was at home and clearly the car wasn't at the parking space and the house was locked from outside and he only showed up an hour later? I'm so confused with all these unimportant lies.

For you-know-who, if you want to walkaway, now is the best time. I have nothing to offer you anymore. I'm not going back to your hometown to deliver the baby there just because my parent's house is way too far from here. I fall for your kind justification ( " My mom never gets to receive/ take care of her daughter-in-law and newborn grandchildren'") and then what?

I tried so hard to be the "perfect" wife and I'm really tired of this job.

#008 Good Parenting

When I had Samira, I got myself a few books on parenting. These books talk about how to be a good parent, raise a great kid, be their friend, make them listen to you and so on. I bought them because I don't think I'm a good parent. I am not a good person to begin with nor good daughter to my parents.

When I look back how I spent my childhood, I'm quite blessed. I was born as a person who don't blend in well with the society. I have outgoing personality and yet an introvert. I had always wanted my own friends but I don't have any gang or group. I'm more like a lone ranger/ group-hopper who hop from group to group. I can go along with the good kids, active athletes, nerds etc. At the same time, I don't belong anywhere. I tried hard trying to blend in , to belong somewhere but failed hopelessly.

Now, I am married with a daughter and six-months pregnant. I wish my children don't have to go through what I did. I hope they are smarter in handling any situation and make better decisions than I do. When I met my husband, despite who he was and is now, I feel that his better judgement , courage and street-smart skills would be better for our children. I always made silly/ foolish/ too emotional decisions. I always make mistake and rarely learn and easily forget too.

I want my children to be safe and know how to take care of themselves. They could grow up, make friends but at the same time could make objective decisions based on their beliefs, religions and moral values. I wish I could teach them how to stand back and keep trying when they fall. I wish they are better Muslims and I'm trying to improve myself. There's so much that I want for them.

I pray that I still have time to be a good parent. I cried every time I see Samira got hurt or cry. I couldn't prevent anything from happening to her. I just hope that I could guide her so that she knows how to deal with things that will hurt her. I want to see her going through this life safely and wisely.

I know that I'm not alone in this. I have my husband, my parents and family members to walk with me along this path.

I thank God for giving me the chance and pray hard that I will not messed up. Amin.