I am what I told myself

I never thought of getting married earlier than my friends, well, some of them. I hate making decisions and I tend to regret most of my decisions. Being married is one of it. I can't do much now, with two kids, crying every now and then thinking why and why did I did this to myself.

to be honest, I deeply felt that it was entirely my fault. I could just say no when he proposed and better no to him when he said he's going to call me at the first place. my wrong timing bitchiness and flirtiness got me into deep trouble.

Guess what after 5 years, 10 months, 1 week and 1 day of marriage, I'm surrounded with debt, personal loans, credit cards, summons, education loan, two kids , tonnes of drama and unhappiness, not to mentioned being chase out of my so-called-home and door being slammed at my face.

So-much for my happy-ending.
If suicide isn't a sin, I would do it but I have my responsibilities to my daughter and my son. I couldn't leave them to him (not a chance!) and can't really expect my family to take care of them either, the have done so much for me.

Now I know why Kak Dolly stays in her marriage. It is not easy.

I'm going to scribble my plan here.
ultimate #1) perform my prayers, fast, pay zakat and educate & live my life and my children Through Islamic lifestyle.
1) credit-card debt free by end of this year.
2) start saving for my daughter and son and myself starting from may 2010
3) terminate my celcom post-paid line
4) sell my stuffs over the net and use the money to pay my debt
5) work smart and spend time with my children ( I might not happy as a wife but I want to be a happy mom and make my children happy)
6) keep myself fit and healthy
7) if the world doesn't end, perform my Hajj in next 10 years or may be 5 years
8) buy a house/ apartment using the govt loan in another 5 years
9) ...

If only

if only I have a place to go right now ...
I would leave with the kids.
If only I have the courage to make my move,
I would really leave.
you want to know what made I stay,
it is money.
the money that I loan from bank,
the money I got from pawning my jeweleries,
the money I borrowed from people,
I don't have enough to pay back.
That's why I stayed till now

I'm sorry , who are you again ? entry #21

Hi, I am lady miza ,a name given to me by a man who insist to call me with a different name. Demented_wife is a state of being which I'm in right now after being married for several years. 


nothing much about me when I'm single. was accused as a lesbian when in secondary school, no boyfriend what-so-ever except been in a no-name-relationship with an older man before I got married. 
why ? (did I get married) 


I was considered quite young but actually getting married at 21/ 22 years old is nothing compared to people in village area ... they got married at 18 or 19 years old. nothing surprising. 


I just need a medium to reach my spouse. to tell him how confused I am with what's going on with me and him. he asked me not to compare my life, our lives with others so I try very hard to do so. I haven't failed miserably yet but I did failed. I wish I don't have a brain that can function ... maybe  then I won't asked or analyze or judge. 


I read a story about mayonnaise jar and golf balls and coffee whatnot. the moral of that story is to appreciate the big things in your life, "  The golf balls are the important things - your God, family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."   

I still have my God, family , children , my health is quite bad, friends ?  ^_^ they endlessly surprise me like chipsmore cookies and finally my favourite passion (wonder what is that!). based on that, it can be concluded that these are my main concerns. 


suddenly I forgot what I want to type ... sigh .. that's all for now