entry #018 Did I bore you?

It makes me wonder how complicated our relationship would be and it is right now. My whole world revolves around you really depicts my situation. The main focus is you. Then our children and the list goes on. 

What makes you marry me?

Why did you marry me?

What makes you think I am the one?

What are the qualities that makes you fall for me?

Do you love me ?

Did you marry me out of love or lust?

Will I be the last and the only one?

Do  you love me now?

Do you still find me attractive?

Have you ever regretted your decision?

Am I still the person that you fall in love with?

Did I bore you with my questions?  because I have so much to ask you and I want to know the answers.

say #017

"Say (All I Need)"

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it 

On losing weight (10th dec 2008) #016

I'm always big without trying very had. When I got married, I'm almost 75kg++. I was 89kg when I'm pregnant. Last Oct 2008, I was 95kg. At that point, I had knee-pain, always feel sloppy and tired, and couldn't wear most of my clothes.The saddest part was , my spouse complaint about it. He said he cared for me and wanted me to be healthy. I wanted to believe that but it is hard to take 100% what he said. I had my reasons.

I love seeing overweight people who are or seems to be happy and content with themselves. People like Queen Latifah and Adibah Nor make me feel comfortable about myself. After all, this is what I am and I have to accept myself. I enjoy wearing Dorothy Perkins clothes because they are available in Euro size.

Now I'm trying to lose weight for health reasons. I don't want to age before my time.I look like a makcik! I still have issues on my discipline and consistency. After 2 months of not-so-hard-but hard-work-to-me, I'm proud to say I feel healthier and more energetic.

It is true beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder but first impression really matter. How can a person knows your inner beauty when one only see you for a split second.

And when I thought it is over.. #015

We r having rough times. Mr Big always think it is easier if I didnt know and he could handle everythng. 

In 2007, while I was busy with my studies, a good-looking officemate was making her move on Mr Big. She said he's worth it. Cladded in sexy outfits n heavy make-ups, she tried to convince Mr Big to take her as his 2nd wife. She even has da guts to see me n askd my permission. WTF! She was my senior frm a different kuliyyah back in da varsity days. I never knew all these until recently, tis year. Mr Big trashed all da smses frm her so dat they wont hurt. He didnt know dat these unknown thngs could hurt me even worst...

In 2008, we r staying apart due to our careers. He is in KL and I was banished to Perak. I tried to work thngs out n made some trips to KL. I used up all my 'cuti rehat' to see him every now n then. He said he would come back to visit us and gradually he always have to cancelled the visits because of outstation trips. and I still trust him.

Mid August 2008 , made a trip to KL to attend a seminar and caught him red-handed (if I could see this as catching him!). Isn't it weird when his inbox always empty every time he came back from work? Why all his outgoing call records were erased? Why out of sudden there's pictures of female strangers on his phone? Why does he has to take his call outside the house?

I might not have P.H.D in relationship but don't need that to figure out whether he's flirting (that's what he claimed) or cheating behind my back. Is he that lonely? Did I bore him? Is this marriage not working out anymore? 

Since I got married , I'm SO concern on making things work between the two of us and look what happened? I failed miserably and all that I got from him was , "You are the one who has issues" or " You are so insecure" and other sarcastic remarks. WTF!!

baby's here ^_^ #014

the baby is already here. 10 days earlier  ^_^

thinking about you ^_^ #013

I got rm59 voucher from Isetan and rm137 combined voucher from MPH so i told my husband that I want to spend them before I had our baby. He drove me to Isetan KLCC first and we bought 2 rompers for our baby boy. I made him choose the design. All these while I did the shopping myself for our second baby and i think he should be involved too rather than just watching from afar.

However , I kept on thinking about Samira and feel bad if I didn't get her anything. So, I purchase a dress and pant suit for her. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my older baby, Samira. I don't want her to feel left out when we have the baby. She is 4 years old this year and she's going to make a great sister to the baby.

Now, Samira is staying with her makmak (grandmother) and uwan ( grandfather) in Batu Rakit, Terangganu. It is located at the east coast of Peninsular Malaysia. I hope she had fun because my youngest sister, who is twelve this year , is around to be her playmate.

I'm missing her so much. Seems like all these while, though I feel tired coming back from work, watching over her, collecting her toys or arranging her mini library but now when she is not around I feel empty. Her daddy been spending lots of time on online games and watching movies. I wonder whether he misses her too? During our trip to Isetan KLCC, he saw bunch of bananas hanged at the supermarket and he picked them up.

" Samira is not around... I don't feel like eating bananas," but he bought a comb of bananas that has three fruits. Just enough for him. My baby daughter shares a lot of things in common with her daddy specially on what they like to eat.

We are missing you Samira ^_^ . Do take care of yourself and try to learn to be diaperless without making makmak tired k?