# 009 Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!

I rarely lie except when I overspent my money (monthly allowance). My parents and spouse would be furious and nag if I did that and I can't help it because I'm 50% a shophaholic.

However today, it's not about shopping nor money. I want to talk about trust. To be specific, trust in marriage. I believe in marriage institutions. I always believe that when you get married, even if the whole world turned their back on you, the spouse will and should be the only one who wouldn't let you down and continuously support or guide you.

I think I have overestimated the "real" marriage institution. Everyday, well almost every now and then, I woke up feeling angry, upset and regret being married. The man who said he would be honest, sincere and faithful to me drove and still drives me crazy. He lies, flirts and get away with it by making me look bad (to myself) all the time. He is described as the "perfect" son who being brought up by the perfect family and I dug my own grave.

I put aside his past but his now/ present action keep on reminding me that it was never over. Honestly, it does suck to know that the man who said/ claimed that he love you admits that he fall out off love with you. As much as I ensure him that I'll be fine if he admits that he is not happy with me and want something new or more exciting, I don't think I could accept it.

I just hope he would open up and tell me the truth. Why is it so hard to tell me that he didn't send our baby to the nursery rather than lied to me all day saying that he got a meeting and going out to fetch our baby and even call me so that I could hear our baby's voice. Or said that he was at home and clearly the car wasn't at the parking space and the house was locked from outside and he only showed up an hour later? I'm so confused with all these unimportant lies.

For you-know-who, if you want to walkaway, now is the best time. I have nothing to offer you anymore. I'm not going back to your hometown to deliver the baby there just because my parent's house is way too far from here. I fall for your kind justification ( " My mom never gets to receive/ take care of her daughter-in-law and newborn grandchildren'") and then what?

I tried so hard to be the "perfect" wife and I'm really tired of this job.

#008 Good Parenting

When I had Samira, I got myself a few books on parenting. These books talk about how to be a good parent, raise a great kid, be their friend, make them listen to you and so on. I bought them because I don't think I'm a good parent. I am not a good person to begin with nor good daughter to my parents.

When I look back how I spent my childhood, I'm quite blessed. I was born as a person who don't blend in well with the society. I have outgoing personality and yet an introvert. I had always wanted my own friends but I don't have any gang or group. I'm more like a lone ranger/ group-hopper who hop from group to group. I can go along with the good kids, active athletes, nerds etc. At the same time, I don't belong anywhere. I tried hard trying to blend in , to belong somewhere but failed hopelessly.

Now, I am married with a daughter and six-months pregnant. I wish my children don't have to go through what I did. I hope they are smarter in handling any situation and make better decisions than I do. When I met my husband, despite who he was and is now, I feel that his better judgement , courage and street-smart skills would be better for our children. I always made silly/ foolish/ too emotional decisions. I always make mistake and rarely learn and easily forget too.

I want my children to be safe and know how to take care of themselves. They could grow up, make friends but at the same time could make objective decisions based on their beliefs, religions and moral values. I wish I could teach them how to stand back and keep trying when they fall. I wish they are better Muslims and I'm trying to improve myself. There's so much that I want for them.

I pray that I still have time to be a good parent. I cried every time I see Samira got hurt or cry. I couldn't prevent anything from happening to her. I just hope that I could guide her so that she knows how to deal with things that will hurt her. I want to see her going through this life safely and wisely.

I know that I'm not alone in this. I have my husband, my parents and family members to walk with me along this path.

I thank God for giving me the chance and pray hard that I will not messed up. Amin.

#007 to be or not to be (a single mom)

Based on the baby countdown, there are 108 days to go before I could meet my baby, face to face. I really, really want to be all excited and happy and bubbly mommy and spread my happiness to the whole world. I was much happier when I'm pregnant with Shamy. Why? May be because she was the first one. However, Mr Grim Reaper always said to be I would be excited because she is my first child, this is my first pregnancy etc but for him , this would be his third child. He said that with the most annoying look. May be this is why you shouldn't marry a divorce' with kids...

I've been spending most of my times feeling miserable since June'09. I wonder why he would want another kid/ baby when he still want to enjoy his freedom. I told him he could let me go but he wouldn't let me go. He would rather keep me and still enjoy his sluts. I wonder if he wouldn't let me go because it would tarnish his reputation in his parent's eyes and the public. He is known as a straight-forward, brave and honest etc.

However, whoever he said he was doesn't exist at all when he's with me. I know I should make him feel more appreciated and believe me, I tried my best to do that. Pampered him like a king, surprises, sexy lingerie, did facials and use numerous beauty products to look beautiful for his eyes, diet and drink shakes and tonic to slim down my figure so the I'm attractive to him. I borrowed money so that we could live a better place/ home. I bought everything with my hard-earned money and try very hard not to complaint or compare him with anyone because everyone isn't the same.

I'm tired of doing all these and still feel miserable. Redha? Just leave my fate in the God's hand? May be that's all I could do now. I feel trapped, confused and used by him.

I don't think that is how a wife should feel towards his husband.

open houses and weddings #006

It is already Zulkaedah. Syawal has left us again yet I still get invitation for open houses. I've been to two open houses so far ( yes, I don't get much invitation...). The first one is at Kak Fazillah's place wthin Kementah. She's from the north so I'm expecting laksa utara (fish gravy with tamarind) to be served and I was right. However she prefers to cook laksa lemak (fish gravy mixed with santan and spices). I still enjoyed it along with her fruit rojak.

Today i attended the second open house at Cheras. Kak Norli invited me last Friday and I wasn't seriously thinking about attending. I changed my mind after a few sms'es and we drove there with the help of my husband Blackberry. There were bihun sup and nasi dagang. Maybe because the husband is from the North and Kak Norli is from the East. Anyway, I still enjoyed what I had.

I also attended my friend's wedding in IIUM during the second week of Syawal. Waty finally made it official with her long-term lover, Shahrin from Terengganu. Both of them are teachers but she in Selangor and he is in Sarawak. I enjoyed the food there. We're late. They served the yellow rice with something that looks like beef rendang, ayam masak merah gravy, sambal tumis udang, dalca, salted fish and donuts. Being pregnant always make me crave for certain food specially foods that were served at weddings.

Another wedding was at TTDI. It was my husband's cousin's daughter wedding. The foods were great for Johorian guests. There's nasi beriyani Johore style, dalca, beef beriyani, ayam masak merah and fruit pickle (acar buah). Good food, cute wedding souvenirs. My husband loved the food and had two servings. Hehehehe.

Tomorrow , we are going to attend another wedding but it is different because it is a Chinese wedding reception. Look forward for the food!!

#005 Expect the Unexpected

Since last year , I always ask my husband, does he want another baby? Our daughter is now 3 years old. I'm still adjusting on being a wife, a mom and working. I'm not doing too well anyway. i learn that my husband wants that out second child would be a boy.

I never picture myself with lots of children. I come from a big family though. :)

We ( me and my husband) had lots arguments and misunderstanding and we had a huge one and weeks later I'm pregnant. I was quite annoyed with him when he cheekily teased me about babies. I'm really annoyed and confused. Should you make your wife pregnant after comparing her to a whore and lose your trust ?

# 004 Nutrition For Beginner (Pregnant mommy specially)

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and I am not doing justice to my body and my baby... Why did I say that? Hmm... let's see, I have been "morning sickness" for the first 12 weeks and barely eat nutritional food. During the 13th to 20th weeks , still experiencing the same syndrome except the frequency of my "nauseousness" and vomiting sessions were lesser. During those times, I was so worried about my baby physical condition. I didn't take the folic acid, vitamin B and C and iron tablets given by the nurses. I vomit more when I ate them. My husband kept on saying that I'm being cruel to myself and our baby because I refused to take those pills and drink any form of nutritional liquids.

Honestly, I was upset with what he said. I DO care about my baby, be it the second, third, fourth or what number it is. I did blame myself and felt horrible.

When I look at my friends (who are pregnant too!) , I felt jealous. They are enjoying and celebrating their motherhood. They took pictures, write blogs and tweet about it whereas I curled on the mattress all by myself thinking about how much damages I have caused to my baby (for not taking enough folic acid etc).

I was miserable all these while. Yes, this pregnancy was unplanned and I have to admit that i am a bit unprepared for the future. However, I do want the best for my children in every aspect starting from now.

What I did earlier this week was, I ordered few supplements (iron, folic acid and multivitamins) from a colleague at work and promised myself that I would forced myself to take them ( and put into my mouth and swallow them) daily till my baby is born.

That's mommy's promise to you... and mommy really pray mommy keep mommy's words.

Love,

mizan

An apology to my husband, baby daughter and my house #003

Dear beloved,

I never see myself as a perfect housewife but I do my house chores regularly. I pack my daughter's clothes and bottle for her nursery, change her diaper, prepare her milk bottle daily. My husband always help me to bathe her and dress her up. I always dry , collect, fold or hang and keep the laundry in the cupboard and wardrobe organiser. I sweep, mopped and vacuum the floor of the rooms in our house. I do grocery, keep and organise them and prepare meals. I clean up after every meals and do the dishes. I try to make our house a comfortable, clean and good enough for us to rest and live in after long hours of working.

That was then....

Now, I barely do any of the above mentioned. I only sleep or lay down on the mattress and move around for my bath, to prepare milk, fetch things or drinks. I think I am lazy, the laziest person on earth yet to comfort myself , I keep on reminding myself that I am pregnant and it is normal.

Our house is a mess. Toys and clothes are on the floor. The piles of laundry are at every corner of the house. Dusts are as thick as Lady Gaga's compact powder. Glasses and mugs were left unwashed at the sink and on the dining table. I haven't cook for almost 5 months except for Ramadhan because I couldn't bear the sight of my husband eating take-outs every night for berbuka (breaking fast).

I wish I am a better lover, wife and mother to my husband and my baby daughter and a better owner to my house.

I apologize because I endlessly failed...

Yours truly,

Mommy

To eat or not to eat #002

I have to confess here, I really, really, really miss my mama's cooking. Since I got pregnant, I rarely see her. Now, my parents moved to Batu Rakit, Terengganu and it's even harder for me to see her. Yes, I do have a car but what I'm lacking is the capacity to drive and I'm only free during weekends thanks to my commitment to educate our 'anak bangsa' (youth of the nation).

I'll list down here a few things that I would like eat when I met her:

1. Gulai ketam & nenas
2. Gulai ikan masin dengan nenas
3. Laksa penang
4. Sambal petai dan udang
5. Masak lemak cili api ketam
6. Nasi impit dan kuah kacang berdaging
7. Nasi impit dan kuah lodeh
8. Bubur nasi
9. Pajeri nenas
10. Daging kunyit dengan kentang
11. Sayur lemak
12. Mee kari
13. Bubur asyura (yang ada kacang)
14. Kerabu mangga
15. Masak kurma telur
16. Gulai daging dan kentang
17. Sup daging dan kentang ( tambah lobak merah)
18. Kuih sagu (yang warna merah dan ada kelapa parut)
19. Kuih gulung tikar
20. Anything that she prepares for me...

I'll stop here because I don't want to give my mama a fright...

 

Preface #001

I'm very much confused on what I want in life. It would always be a little bit of something that others have with a touch of my own. I want to see myself successful in my own definition.

I managed to graduate with an average CGPA. I got married on 2004 and graduated on Dec'2005. I have my first truly bundle of joy on Feb' 2006. I enrolled for a teaching diploma under the ministry of education Malaysia which will automatically landed me a job as an educator for kids between 6 to 12 yeas old. Now, after 1 year and 10 months teaching at primary school, I need to revamp myself. I was thinking about getting a master degree and teach at different environment like matriculation centre or college.

After 5 years of marriage, somehow I found us (me and my ex-boyfriend now husband) are falling out of love. He got a bunch of women tailing him , wanting to be his lovers (to me, they are just gold-diggers!) and he started to ask himself whether I'm worth it ( his own confession). Sadly, I comfort myself by eating a lot and end up making myself looking worthless to him. Somehow, we managed to 'fix' our situation and now happily married in a 4 stories shophouse somewhere near Kuala Lumpur.

Looking back, I have go through quite an adventure, being obese, falling in and out of love, betrayed, make friends and lose some, being an underachiever and the top student, being pregnant and cut open (c-sect to be exact) and much more. I intend to share all these in here and maybe mostly on my upcoming bundle of joy.

Why?

Mostly because I need to empty out my heart unto someone or something. :D