I am what I told myself

I never thought of getting married earlier than my friends, well, some of them. I hate making decisions and I tend to regret most of my decisions. Being married is one of it. I can't do much now, with two kids, crying every now and then thinking why and why did I did this to myself.

to be honest, I deeply felt that it was entirely my fault. I could just say no when he proposed and better no to him when he said he's going to call me at the first place. my wrong timing bitchiness and flirtiness got me into deep trouble.

Guess what after 5 years, 10 months, 1 week and 1 day of marriage, I'm surrounded with debt, personal loans, credit cards, summons, education loan, two kids , tonnes of drama and unhappiness, not to mentioned being chase out of my so-called-home and door being slammed at my face.

So-much for my happy-ending.
If suicide isn't a sin, I would do it but I have my responsibilities to my daughter and my son. I couldn't leave them to him (not a chance!) and can't really expect my family to take care of them either, the have done so much for me.

Now I know why Kak Dolly stays in her marriage. It is not easy.

I'm going to scribble my plan here.
ultimate #1) perform my prayers, fast, pay zakat and educate & live my life and my children Through Islamic lifestyle.
1) credit-card debt free by end of this year.
2) start saving for my daughter and son and myself starting from may 2010
3) terminate my celcom post-paid line
4) sell my stuffs over the net and use the money to pay my debt
5) work smart and spend time with my children ( I might not happy as a wife but I want to be a happy mom and make my children happy)
6) keep myself fit and healthy
7) if the world doesn't end, perform my Hajj in next 10 years or may be 5 years
8) buy a house/ apartment using the govt loan in another 5 years
9) ...