Work From Home for Dummies #026

I have always wanted to find more ways to make money since I always overspent it! LOL! Looking at my Facebook walls, every now and then my friends and colleague were tagged to a picture or few pictures of shawls or bags or shoes. This is the new way of promoting and selling goods and IT WORKS!

I test the water of business and marketing by joining a MLM business and somehow ended up with a biggger, much bigger debt. I learned my lesson the hard way. Nevertheless my inner adventurous side always wanted to try something new. A good way on teaching myself on not to give in too quick or it might just be another HUGE mistake for me.    

I am different for trying too hard,

#25 samira is a big girl now!

My daughter, Samira is 4 years old this year. We didnt get to celebrate her birthday since I was in confinement and she was with my mother in Terengganu.
My mother in law came earlier today and she was really excited to met her nenek, atuk and aunties. Samira grew up surrounded by my family members. Moved back to Penang when she was 2 months old and stayed there till she was 2 years old. She was very close with her makmak and my sisters and brothers. We manage to make sure she spend time with my husband family members as well.
Last week, she spent the whole week at Sungai Petani and when we got back and when she saw her nenek, atuk just now, she wanted to follow them back as well.   :-)
I find that she's more independent and brave than me. When I was at her age, my mama and her family were my world. I dont like going to opah's place but I love tok din very much and nyang too.
Today, I know that somehow my daughter is going to have better social life than I do with her family members and it feels really good.

Good night Samira. You're a big girl now and I'm really proud of you!  <3

#24 regrets after losing my sanity

How do I start this ... I'm ashamed with my behaviors most of the time. I always do things as if there's no tomorrow and regret them the minute I cool down.
I love what I have now, my husband, my beautiful and amazing children, my family members, my job, my house and everything that have been bestowed upon me. I just somehow forget that if I love my life now, I should know that God will test me to see whether I'm appreciating what I have and whether I really meant what I say. That's what I think. When I am not mad or angry at myself.
I realized that I'm more concern on comparing my life with others and see what I don't have rather than take care of what I have and give my best in making everything works. I t might not be perfect but at least I tried doing something about it rather than *sigh* why don't I have that or how come it never happens to me bla bla bla.
For what it's worth, I hope I would start doing something about what I blog.

I am what I told myself

I never thought of getting married earlier than my friends, well, some of them. I hate making decisions and I tend to regret most of my decisions. Being married is one of it. I can't do much now, with two kids, crying every now and then thinking why and why did I did this to myself.

to be honest, I deeply felt that it was entirely my fault. I could just say no when he proposed and better no to him when he said he's going to call me at the first place. my wrong timing bitchiness and flirtiness got me into deep trouble.

Guess what after 5 years, 10 months, 1 week and 1 day of marriage, I'm surrounded with debt, personal loans, credit cards, summons, education loan, two kids , tonnes of drama and unhappiness, not to mentioned being chase out of my so-called-home and door being slammed at my face.

So-much for my happy-ending.
If suicide isn't a sin, I would do it but I have my responsibilities to my daughter and my son. I couldn't leave them to him (not a chance!) and can't really expect my family to take care of them either, the have done so much for me.

Now I know why Kak Dolly stays in her marriage. It is not easy.

I'm going to scribble my plan here.
ultimate #1) perform my prayers, fast, pay zakat and educate & live my life and my children Through Islamic lifestyle.
1) credit-card debt free by end of this year.
2) start saving for my daughter and son and myself starting from may 2010
3) terminate my celcom post-paid line
4) sell my stuffs over the net and use the money to pay my debt
5) work smart and spend time with my children ( I might not happy as a wife but I want to be a happy mom and make my children happy)
6) keep myself fit and healthy
7) if the world doesn't end, perform my Hajj in next 10 years or may be 5 years
8) buy a house/ apartment using the govt loan in another 5 years
9) ...

If only

if only I have a place to go right now ...
I would leave with the kids.
If only I have the courage to make my move,
I would really leave.
you want to know what made I stay,
it is money.
the money that I loan from bank,
the money I got from pawning my jeweleries,
the money I borrowed from people,
I don't have enough to pay back.
That's why I stayed till now

I'm sorry , who are you again ? entry #21

Hi, I am lady miza ,a name given to me by a man who insist to call me with a different name. Demented_wife is a state of being which I'm in right now after being married for several years. 


nothing much about me when I'm single. was accused as a lesbian when in secondary school, no boyfriend what-so-ever except been in a no-name-relationship with an older man before I got married. 
why ? (did I get married) 


I was considered quite young but actually getting married at 21/ 22 years old is nothing compared to people in village area ... they got married at 18 or 19 years old. nothing surprising. 


I just need a medium to reach my spouse. to tell him how confused I am with what's going on with me and him. he asked me not to compare my life, our lives with others so I try very hard to do so. I haven't failed miserably yet but I did failed. I wish I don't have a brain that can function ... maybe  then I won't asked or analyze or judge. 


I read a story about mayonnaise jar and golf balls and coffee whatnot. the moral of that story is to appreciate the big things in your life, "  The golf balls are the important things - your God, family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."   

I still have my God, family , children , my health is quite bad, friends ?  ^_^ they endlessly surprise me like chipsmore cookies and finally my favourite passion (wonder what is that!). based on that, it can be concluded that these are my main concerns. 


suddenly I forgot what I want to type ... sigh .. that's all for now

entry #020 I am sorry

I am sorry
Do we know each other?

I would love to know more about you,
do you?

entry #019 and now I knew why

I have been too obsessed with this whole marriage and family thing that I forgot that we are first only individuals that live together and decide to share our lives. but sharing isn't our thing baby. and you know that it is true.

I won't follow any of your twitter ID if I am invading your privacy. and I should start protecting mine as well. we are after all, just individuals ^_^.

Love is weird to me because I only knew about it from you. I learn that love is painful from you. I learn love is amazing and turn your love upside down and you could still smile. you showed all that to me.

I'm sorry I made you upset and worried last year. I did drove to mount kiara and with all the intentions. you have the right to be mad. 

entry #018 Did I bore you?

It makes me wonder how complicated our relationship would be and it is right now. My whole world revolves around you really depicts my situation. The main focus is you. Then our children and the list goes on. 

What makes you marry me?

Why did you marry me?

What makes you think I am the one?

What are the qualities that makes you fall for me?

Do you love me ?

Did you marry me out of love or lust?

Will I be the last and the only one?

Do  you love me now?

Do you still find me attractive?

Have you ever regretted your decision?

Am I still the person that you fall in love with?

Did I bore you with my questions?  because I have so much to ask you and I want to know the answers.

say #017

"Say (All I Need)"

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it 

On losing weight (10th dec 2008) #016

I'm always big without trying very had. When I got married, I'm almost 75kg++. I was 89kg when I'm pregnant. Last Oct 2008, I was 95kg. At that point, I had knee-pain, always feel sloppy and tired, and couldn't wear most of my clothes.The saddest part was , my spouse complaint about it. He said he cared for me and wanted me to be healthy. I wanted to believe that but it is hard to take 100% what he said. I had my reasons.

I love seeing overweight people who are or seems to be happy and content with themselves. People like Queen Latifah and Adibah Nor make me feel comfortable about myself. After all, this is what I am and I have to accept myself. I enjoy wearing Dorothy Perkins clothes because they are available in Euro size.

Now I'm trying to lose weight for health reasons. I don't want to age before my time.I look like a makcik! I still have issues on my discipline and consistency. After 2 months of not-so-hard-but hard-work-to-me, I'm proud to say I feel healthier and more energetic.

It is true beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder but first impression really matter. How can a person knows your inner beauty when one only see you for a split second.

And when I thought it is over.. #015

We r having rough times. Mr Big always think it is easier if I didnt know and he could handle everythng. 

In 2007, while I was busy with my studies, a good-looking officemate was making her move on Mr Big. She said he's worth it. Cladded in sexy outfits n heavy make-ups, she tried to convince Mr Big to take her as his 2nd wife. She even has da guts to see me n askd my permission. WTF! She was my senior frm a different kuliyyah back in da varsity days. I never knew all these until recently, tis year. Mr Big trashed all da smses frm her so dat they wont hurt. He didnt know dat these unknown thngs could hurt me even worst...

In 2008, we r staying apart due to our careers. He is in KL and I was banished to Perak. I tried to work thngs out n made some trips to KL. I used up all my 'cuti rehat' to see him every now n then. He said he would come back to visit us and gradually he always have to cancelled the visits because of outstation trips. and I still trust him.

Mid August 2008 , made a trip to KL to attend a seminar and caught him red-handed (if I could see this as catching him!). Isn't it weird when his inbox always empty every time he came back from work? Why all his outgoing call records were erased? Why out of sudden there's pictures of female strangers on his phone? Why does he has to take his call outside the house?

I might not have P.H.D in relationship but don't need that to figure out whether he's flirting (that's what he claimed) or cheating behind my back. Is he that lonely? Did I bore him? Is this marriage not working out anymore? 

Since I got married , I'm SO concern on making things work between the two of us and look what happened? I failed miserably and all that I got from him was , "You are the one who has issues" or " You are so insecure" and other sarcastic remarks. WTF!!

baby's here ^_^ #014

the baby is already here. 10 days earlier  ^_^

thinking about you ^_^ #013

I got rm59 voucher from Isetan and rm137 combined voucher from MPH so i told my husband that I want to spend them before I had our baby. He drove me to Isetan KLCC first and we bought 2 rompers for our baby boy. I made him choose the design. All these while I did the shopping myself for our second baby and i think he should be involved too rather than just watching from afar.

However , I kept on thinking about Samira and feel bad if I didn't get her anything. So, I purchase a dress and pant suit for her. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my older baby, Samira. I don't want her to feel left out when we have the baby. She is 4 years old this year and she's going to make a great sister to the baby.

Now, Samira is staying with her makmak (grandmother) and uwan ( grandfather) in Batu Rakit, Terangganu. It is located at the east coast of Peninsular Malaysia. I hope she had fun because my youngest sister, who is twelve this year , is around to be her playmate.

I'm missing her so much. Seems like all these while, though I feel tired coming back from work, watching over her, collecting her toys or arranging her mini library but now when she is not around I feel empty. Her daddy been spending lots of time on online games and watching movies. I wonder whether he misses her too? During our trip to Isetan KLCC, he saw bunch of bananas hanged at the supermarket and he picked them up.

" Samira is not around... I don't feel like eating bananas," but he bought a comb of bananas that has three fruits. Just enough for him. My baby daughter shares a lot of things in common with her daddy specially on what they like to eat.

We are missing you Samira ^_^ . Do take care of yourself and try to learn to be diaperless without making makmak tired k?

I wonder why? #012

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and surprisingly I feel like being sexually active. However , the other party doesn't seem to understand my needs at all. I was wondering whether he is worried that I might get tired or he might hurt the baby. I tried to pray more and read more to divert my mind onto other things but the feeling keep on coming back.

Honestly, I am feeling tired all the time. I have tonnes of work to complete before I could peacefully take my leave and give birth to a healthy & happy baby. I am too worried that my feeling would affect my baby inside the womb. For all mothers, I think everyone want their baby to turn up to be a fine young man or young lady innate with all the nice & sweet things.

I read in some of the books on pregnancy, it is encouraged for the mothers to do good deeds through out the pregnancy to ensure that the child will follow suit. I really hope that God will forgive me for my ill-mannered mind and bless me with another amazing, smart, faithful, and well-mannered child.

please God, I'm really sorry (T_T)

food craving ? #11

Even during my first pregnancy I don't crave for any specific food. I do feel the urge to eat some food that I'm used to eat in my hometown but apart from that I don't have any other problem. In fact, through-out my pregnancy, I tend to dislike the food that I always eat before I got pregnant. When I was having Samira, I loathe fast food. I got nausea by just seeing the logo , advertisement or pass by in front of the outlets. Ironically, a day before I gave birth to Samira, I had few slices of pizza from Pizza Hut!! ^_^

For my second baby, I got a terrible and continuous morning sickness up until now. I vomit if I ate and still vomit when my stomach is empty. I vomit after drinking milk and after taking up the supplement given by the doctors. I sleep for really long hours to comfort myself. I feel horrible and couldn't be bother to take care of myself or how I look. (T_T)

Only after I hit 32 weeks or 8 months I feel much better and even cook my own meals for dinner. Earlier on, the smell of rice being cook already made me vomit. I love drinking lychee and longan drinks. I hate hot drinks except when my stomach really hurts.

27 days to go #10

I haven't been writing for quite sometime. Was tied up to few things since the beginning of school holiday till the school opened again. I have started working 3 weeks already.

Currently, my baby is 36 weeks old inside my womb. Feels like I just got pregnant and going through the morning sickness stage. I remember vomiting endlessly, losing my appetite and even losing myself! I also remember how stressful I was when my husband suggested that maybe I should deliver our second baby in his hometown and stay there during confinement. I was really depressed.

I guess I knew how my husband felt whenever I insisted on going back to my parents' house. Same way like how I felt when we went back to his. We came from different family background and it is not easy to just assimilate everything and feel like you belong there too. That's why when he wanted to spend his whole Eid Mubarak break in his hometown I simply agreed. I want to make him happy.

I tried to fulfill his demands except on few things. He wants a baby boy and up until now, we don't know the gender of our baby. Again, I feel pressured. What if the baby isn't a boy? Is he going to accept the baby too? He is really amazing at criticizing and making people feel bad about themselves. Yes, for me, my husband is like that. Now, he made me feel worst about myself for not giving him what he wants - a baby boy. He kept on joking about finding new wife who could give him baby boy and so on.

Just to make the situation even 'better'... he wasn't the only one demanding for it. Seems like the whole family are expecting a male heir to their family. I wanted to run away from him at that time.

Time passes by and there are another 27 days to go before the arrival of my second baby. I did some shopping for the baby... mostly on clothing, bedding and blankets. I'm trying to give birth naturally this time. I have to undergo C-sect during Samira's. Hopefully this time, I got lucky. ^_^